Pub stopover etiquette, the unwritten rules

A pub stopover is a simple deal. You get a flat, safe place to sleep, usually free. The pub gets your custom, and the small satisfaction of a car park that isn't empty at eleven at night. It works brilliantly when both sides understand the deal, and it falls apart the moment one side forgets.

Here's what the deal actually is.

Ask first, every time

Even if you've stayed before. Even if someone online said it's fine. Even if there's a sign. Managers change, policies change, and a wedding in the function room changes everything.

Ring during the afternoon, when the kitchen is quiet, or walk in and ask at the bar. Say what you've got, how many of you there are, and that you'll be eating. The answer is yes far more often than you'd expect, and when it's no, it's usually for a reason you'd agree with.

Eat and drink there

This is the entire basis of the arrangement. You are not paying for a pitch; you are a customer who happens to be sleeping outside. A meal and a couple of drinks is the standard. If you're on a budget, two drinks and a bag of crisps is still custom, and far better than arriving at ten, sleeping, and leaving at seven.

If the kitchen's closed or you've already eaten, say so, and have a drink anyway.

Park where you're told

There is usually a corner they'd prefer you in: away from the kitchen door, the bins, the delivery bay, the fire exit, or the neighbour's bedroom window. Ask, and then park exactly there. Don't put the awning out, don't put chairs out, don't put the kettle on the bonnet. You're parked, not pitched.

You are self-contained

A pub car park is for vans that can look after themselves overnight:

• Toilet. Use the pub's during opening hours. After that, your own. Cassettes are never emptied on the premises unless you've been explicitly told where.
• Water. Don't ask to fill up unless they offer. Arrive with what you need.
• Grey water. Stays in the van. The full rules are in five ways to leave a stopover clean.
• Power. No cables to the pub's sockets. Obviously.

Keep it quiet

The pub closes, the staff go home, the village goes to sleep. From that point you are the only thing in the car park making a noise. Doors, sliding doors in particular, are louder than you think. So are heater fans, so is a telly through a thin wall, and so is the dog.

In the morning, the same in reverse. If you need to leave early, roll out without warming the engine on the drive.

Leave on time, and leave it tidy

Most pubs assume you'll be gone by mid-morning. Some are relaxed, some have deliveries at nine. Ask the night before if you'd like a lie-in. Before you go, walk round the van and pick up anything that isn't gravel.

Then find the person who said yes and thank them. It takes ten seconds and it's the thing they'll remember when the next van asks.

When they say no

Say thanks and move on. Don't argue, don't park up anyway, and don't name the pub as unfriendly anywhere public. A pub that says no today is a pub that might say yes next spring, and a pub that's been slagged off online for saying no will never say yes again.

Why it matters. Every pub that stops taking vans, stops because of one van. Be the one that gets the next one in.